Good Friday... I'll be completely honest. I hate Good Friday services. I hated going to church and reflecting on the death of Christ... I wanted to hurry up and just get to Sunday, when we sing some of my favorites hymns and the service revolves around the celebration of Christ's resurrection. Yes, I want to skip over Friday, and get to Sunday.
But this year is different. I'm not sure why, but this year I want to reflect on Good Friday. I just came home from the service at Calvary, and instead of wanting to do something happy, like watch a movie or eat icecream or laugh lots, I want to sit in silence and reflect. This is not my normal response to sadness or grief. Normally I want to skip over the sad part and reflect on the good things about the person or find the good in every situation... but maybe, just maybe, there is some value in grief.
I think this semester I have been forced to face death head on, with the death of a classmate/ friend in January and the death of an uncle in February. I couldn't just gloss over the grief and get to the happiness in those situations. No, I had to face the fact that these people were no longer here and simply grieve. We don't give time in our society to grieve... we jump from thing to thing, trying to fill our lives with things other than grief. I run away from death, so I don't have to grieve... but this semester, I've learned how unhealthy that is... grief must happen. As hard as that is, grief is something that must be dealt with, in order for true healing to occur.
Maybe, just maybe, as others have said recently, I can't fully appreciate the goodness of Easter Sunday without understanding the grief of Friday. Until I fully embrace this idea of my Savior dying on the cross for me, I cannot fully understand the joy and celebration of Sunday. So yes... Sunday is coming. But today is Friday. And today I grieve.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Inadequacy...
Inadequacy- The state of being not adequate or sufficient; inept or unsuitable.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I think this word describes my life... at least the last 2.5 years of my life. I think back to 2.5 years ago, when I started working at a local church, feeling as though I had no idea what was going on or what I was supposed to be doing. This feeling followed me to seminary. I thought that if I got to the place I was supposed to be, seminary in my mind, I would leave this feeling behind... Oh, how wrong that was.
I can't even begin to tell you had inadequate I feel in seminary. It seems like every day I ask the Lord, "Why in the world am I here?" "Why have You brought me to a place where I feel so inadequate?" So many times in class, I'm so confused, so lost in what we're talking about... I thought that "when I arrived," whatever that means, that I would understand why I was where am I... Yep, hasn't happened yet. There's this particular class this semester that I dread going to, because of the anxiety and inadequacy I feel walking in. I feel like everyone else in that class understands what is going on, or at least knows more about the subject than I do. Normally, I would just slink back and listen, but of course, this is the class I have to speak in, in order to pass.
You know, God has a funny way of catching my attention... Today at church, Julie preached on inadequacy, of course. Funny, God. She spoke about her own feelings of inadequacy in ministry, and how she has felt out of control, especially "when her feet don't touch." Oh, how much I just wanted to run up to her, during her sermon, sobbing, telling her "Preach it. Yes! That's exactly how I feel, each and every day in seminary." That probably wouldn't have been the most appropriate response. haha. :) But you better believe I thought it.
She spoke about how God created us out of dust, dirt... and He breathed life into us. Each of us. How beautiful. She also spoke about how when she realizes it's not about her, but it's about the Lord, those feelings of inadequacy are met by God's grace. Oh, how many times do I look to the world to find my worth and acceptance and answers instead of looking to the Lord?
Psalm 8 speaks about how crazy it is that the Lord of all creation takes time to be "mindful of man" and to "care for man." Psalm 139 speaks of how we are to praise the Lord, because He has "fearfully and wonderfully made" each of us. So... the Lord takes time to watch over me and has made the way I am for a reason? In other words, when I let those feelings of inadequacy take over, not only am I making life harder than it needs to be, I'm neglecting the way the Lord has made me. He made me adequate in the areas I need to be adequate. And yes... I do feel super inadequate when it comes to seminary, but that's the reason why I'm in school... to learn. I'm not suppose to have everything together right now. If I did, I wouldn't be in school in the first place. Why is it hard for me to understand that? Why do I let those feelings of inadequacy get in the way of what the Lord can teach me?
We followed her sermon by singing "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. I love this song. I hadn't thought of it in the context of inadequacy before, but it fits and makes sense in this context. Out of the craziness of life, out of chaos, out of the dust, the Lord has created something beautiful... That beautiful thing is the life He has created for me. How can I sit and neglect that? How can I let myself think I am inadequate, instead of relying on Him to be the Adequate One? No, He is the Faithful One. The One who is everything... He never lacks in anything. When I look to Him, I realize He is there, Immanuel, God with me... especially during those times of inadequacy.
Thank You, Lord, for noticing me, for creating me, for giving me life. Let me reflect that thankfulness and trust in Your ultimate plan, knowing You have me right where I need to be.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I think this word describes my life... at least the last 2.5 years of my life. I think back to 2.5 years ago, when I started working at a local church, feeling as though I had no idea what was going on or what I was supposed to be doing. This feeling followed me to seminary. I thought that if I got to the place I was supposed to be, seminary in my mind, I would leave this feeling behind... Oh, how wrong that was.
I can't even begin to tell you had inadequate I feel in seminary. It seems like every day I ask the Lord, "Why in the world am I here?" "Why have You brought me to a place where I feel so inadequate?" So many times in class, I'm so confused, so lost in what we're talking about... I thought that "when I arrived," whatever that means, that I would understand why I was where am I... Yep, hasn't happened yet. There's this particular class this semester that I dread going to, because of the anxiety and inadequacy I feel walking in. I feel like everyone else in that class understands what is going on, or at least knows more about the subject than I do. Normally, I would just slink back and listen, but of course, this is the class I have to speak in, in order to pass.
You know, God has a funny way of catching my attention... Today at church, Julie preached on inadequacy, of course. Funny, God. She spoke about her own feelings of inadequacy in ministry, and how she has felt out of control, especially "when her feet don't touch." Oh, how much I just wanted to run up to her, during her sermon, sobbing, telling her "Preach it. Yes! That's exactly how I feel, each and every day in seminary." That probably wouldn't have been the most appropriate response. haha. :) But you better believe I thought it.
She spoke about how God created us out of dust, dirt... and He breathed life into us. Each of us. How beautiful. She also spoke about how when she realizes it's not about her, but it's about the Lord, those feelings of inadequacy are met by God's grace. Oh, how many times do I look to the world to find my worth and acceptance and answers instead of looking to the Lord?
Psalm 8 speaks about how crazy it is that the Lord of all creation takes time to be "mindful of man" and to "care for man." Psalm 139 speaks of how we are to praise the Lord, because He has "fearfully and wonderfully made" each of us. So... the Lord takes time to watch over me and has made the way I am for a reason? In other words, when I let those feelings of inadequacy take over, not only am I making life harder than it needs to be, I'm neglecting the way the Lord has made me. He made me adequate in the areas I need to be adequate. And yes... I do feel super inadequate when it comes to seminary, but that's the reason why I'm in school... to learn. I'm not suppose to have everything together right now. If I did, I wouldn't be in school in the first place. Why is it hard for me to understand that? Why do I let those feelings of inadequacy get in the way of what the Lord can teach me?
We followed her sermon by singing "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. I love this song. I hadn't thought of it in the context of inadequacy before, but it fits and makes sense in this context. Out of the craziness of life, out of chaos, out of the dust, the Lord has created something beautiful... That beautiful thing is the life He has created for me. How can I sit and neglect that? How can I let myself think I am inadequate, instead of relying on Him to be the Adequate One? No, He is the Faithful One. The One who is everything... He never lacks in anything. When I look to Him, I realize He is there, Immanuel, God with me... especially during those times of inadequacy.
Thank You, Lord, for noticing me, for creating me, for giving me life. Let me reflect that thankfulness and trust in Your ultimate plan, knowing You have me right where I need to be.
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