"He's Not Finished With Me Yet"

Inadequacy...

2012-02-12T14:52:00.002-06:00

Inadequacy- The state of being not adequate or sufficient; inept or unsuitable.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I think this word describes my life... at least the last 2.5 years of my life. I think back to 2.5 years ago, when I started working at a local church, feeling as though I had no idea what was going on or what I was supposed to be doing. This feeling followed me to seminary. I thought that if I got to the place I was supposed to be, seminary in my mind, I would leave this feeling behind... Oh, how wrong that was.
I can't even begin to tell you had inadequate I feel in seminary. It seems like every day I ask the Lord, "Why in the world am I here?" "Why have You brought me to a place where I feel so inadequate?" So many times in class, I'm so confused, so lost in what we're talking about... I thought that "when I arrived," whatever that means, that I would understand why I was where am I... Yep, hasn't happened yet. There's this particular class this semester that I dread going to, because of the anxiety and inadequacy I feel walking in. I feel like everyone else in that class understands what is going on, or at least knows more about the subject than I do. Normally, I would just slink back and listen, but of course, this is the class I have to speak in, in order to pass.
You know, God has a funny way of catching my attention... Today at church, Julie preached on inadequacy, of course. Funny, God. She spoke about her own feelings of inadequacy in ministry, and how she has felt out of control, especially "when her feet don't touch." Oh, how much I just wanted to run up to her, during her sermon, sobbing, telling her "Preach it. Yes! That's exactly how I feel, each and every day in seminary." That probably wouldn't have been the most appropriate response. haha. :) But you better believe I thought it.
She spoke about how God created us out of dust, dirt... and He breathed life into us. Each of us. How beautiful. She also spoke about how when she realizes it's not about her, but it's about the Lord, those feelings of inadequacy are met by God's grace. Oh, how many times do I look to the world to find my worth and acceptance and answers instead of looking to the Lord?
Psalm 8 speaks about how crazy it is that the Lord of all creation takes time to be "mindful of man" and to "care for man." Psalm 139 speaks of how we are to praise the Lord, because He has "fearfully and wonderfully made" each of us. So... the Lord takes time to watch over me and has made the way I am for a reason? In other words, when I let those feelings of inadequacy take over, not only am I making life harder than it needs to be, I'm neglecting the way the Lord has made me. He made me adequate in the areas I need to be adequate. And yes... I do feel super inadequate when it comes to seminary, but that's the reason why I'm in school... to learn. I'm not suppose to have everything together right now. If I did, I wouldn't be in school in the first place. Why is it hard for me to understand that? Why do I let those feelings of inadequacy get in the way of what the Lord can teach me?
We followed her sermon by singing "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. I love this song. I hadn't thought of it in the context of inadequacy before, but it fits and makes sense in this context. Out of the craziness of life, out of chaos, out of the dust, the Lord has created something beautiful... That beautiful thing is the life He has created for me. How can I sit and neglect that? How can I let myself think I am inadequate, instead of relying on Him to be the Adequate One? No, He is the Faithful One. The One who is everything... He never lacks in anything. When I look to Him, I realize He is there, Immanuel, God with me... especially during those times of inadequacy.
Thank You, Lord, for noticing me, for creating me, for giving me life. Let me reflect that thankfulness and trust in Your ultimate plan, knowing You have me right where I need to be.

Camp Reflections

2011-08-21T16:45:00.001-05:00

Four weeks ago I drove home from camp. It's crazy to think it's been that long, but I have still been processing some things the Lord taught me and how I put those into practice now that I am back from camp... Here's a few of the things I have been processing since I came back.
Last summer, I found an incredible amount of healing from my team. They don't know it, but they truly helped to heal many hurts I have had. I felt, for the first time in my life, the ability to truly be myself and to be accepted through that process. The Lord healed those hurts, and He helped me to see through last summer that I truly have so much to offer, and there is true freedom when I live in that fact.
I went to camp this summer expecting this same type of freedom and healing. Some things have happened at my family's lives, where healing is truly needed, and I felt like camp would be the place where I could find that healing, just as I did the summer before. I did experience freedom and healing, but these came in very different lessons than I was expecting.
I started to learn what makes a good week at camp. Having a group that doesn't complain or saying all of my lines perfectly each night on stage or having a church group that seems to actually want you around have nothing to do with a good week at camp. A good week at camp happens when one student comes to know the Lord as his or her personal Lord and Savior! When even just one student's life is changed, that is a cause for celebration! It has nothing to do with the circumstances of camp. It has everyting to do with the power the Lord has in changing lives and students finding freedom in Christ! I feel like I have lost this sense of celebration in seminary. Don't get me wrong... I love Truett. I just feel that sometimes we forget to talk about the lifechange that happens when someone accepts a relationship with the Lord. We talk so much about different theological ideas, but sometimes we forget to think about the awesomeness of Christ's lifechanging power in our lives! I needed that reminder this summer.
Also, I learned what camp is for. That's sounds weird, but basically I learned camp isn't for me at all. It's for the students! That might be a "no-duh" moment, but the Lord made it so clear to me that camp is not for me. Yes, last summer I was the one who found healing, and I feel that for a part of last summer, camp was for me. I needed that time of healing and acceptance. However, this summer, different circumstances and relationships were present. Camp is not about me, in any respect. Camp is for the students and for the lifechange they need. Camp is about these students having a lifechanging moment that continues as they go back home, and my role is to facilitate this understanding. It's about the lifechange that happens when students finally see what the Lord is doing in their lives, and they step out in faith to accept that call placed on their lives.
Lastly, I learned about faith, and what I place my faith in. One of my devotionals had this quote by Dave Harvey: "Biblical faith confidently asks God to act according to His promises. True faith then accepts the answer. Our faith stands on the unchanging character of God." Wow. My faith was not in line with these. I think so many times I place my faith in circumstances and in the things that are happening all around me. If something fails, then my whole concept of faith fails. However, that is not what the Lord asks of us. We are to have faith without seeing, without knowing what He is up to. There have been many circumstances in my family's life recently, many hurtful situations, many hurtful things said by people who are suppose to be the Body of Christ. I felt as though because of these situations my faith in the Body of Christ was misplaced. I felt like I couldn't put faith in the Church, because of the things that have happened. However, the Lord has shown me, and is continuing to show me, that my faith should be in Him, and in Him alone. Not in the people that make these decisions or in the circumstances, but in Him. He has everything completely under control, and He is the One to trust. My faith should be in Him, not in the circumstances of life. He will provide. He always has, and always will.
Last Sunday I joined my local church body, Calvary Baptist. My faith in Lord has been strengthened, and I am seeing how the Body of Christ truly does love and truly does care. I have seen this through Calvary. When I put my faith in the Lord and not in my circumstances, I have been blessed to see true love and true community.

Blessed by homework?!

2011-01-23T15:43:00.004-06:00

As I was driving to the library to start on my enormous amount of reading I have for Tuesday, I started thinking about feeling blessed. I've gone around saying how blessed I feel for the friends and family I have. I talk about how blessed I am for having a roof over my head, for having a new church family that has complete embraced me, for having a group of friends that make me laugh uncontrollably... So many blessings...
But... what I thought about today was how blessed I am for going to school and for having homework. WHAT?! I'm blessed by homework... really? No. I didn't hit my head or anything like that. No. I'm not going crazy. Seriously, I'm so blessed to have homework.
I have this incredible opportunity to come to seminary to study more about who God is. I get to read the Bible for homework. I get to study about the promises of God for class! I get to talk about what God is doing in my life during class, with my professors. My professors take time to pray for us during class. This is such a blessing!
Just looked up the word "blessed" on biblegateway.com. Yeah, I know. As a seminary student there are probably other more academic ways of doing this... :) However, in the NIV, it shows up 217 times! How awesome. Many times it's used as God is blessing His people for serving Him and for putting their trust in Him. That's the way it should be. We are blessed when we trust in the Lord.
It's not that I don't actually feel blessed by the other things in my life, because God has blessed me in so many ways. Too many to speak about here... but a major blessing is the fact that I am in seminary. It truly is a blessing to be here. So many would love to have this opportunity to study more about God's Word and to have the opportunity to study about how to better serve the Lord in the calling I feel on my life. I feel that I need to better acknowledge the blessings in my life, such as studying and such. Right now, I feel blessed to study. Maybe I won't feel this way tomorrow :), but right now I feel blessed that God has called me to ministry and has provided a way for me to do just that, even when it means reading an enormous amount.
Thank You God for Your blessings on my life. I don't deserve them at all. I want to fully embrace this blessing and say that I am blessed by it.
This is a verse that stuck out to me, while looking up the references for "blessed."
"The LORD your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything. " Deuteronomy 2:7
Amen.

I'm going to seminary in the Fall!

2010-01-30T17:25:00.005-06:00

For the past few semesters, I have truly felt the Lord calling me to student ministry and to learning more about what that could look like. I've been working at Brentwood Baptist in the student ministry learning tons of things, having tons of first-hand experiences and tons of chances to observe and work with students. In addition, as long as I can remember, I've liked going to school... I'm that weird kid that liked going to classes, because I loved learning about life and how I could better be prepared for what the Lord was calling me to do....
All this being said, a few months ago, I decided that seminary is where I was being called... Truett Seminary in Waco, Texas to be exact. I looked the school up and found out there was a scholarship opportunity available that was due December 18... so I rushed to get all of my essays done, my recommendations done, and all my paperwork turned in. Then the waiting game started. I was so nervous, and I didn't tell many people about it, because I didn't know for sure what would happen.
So... long story short, Monday I got my acceptance letter!!! Not only that, but I also got the scholarship I had applied for! I'm so excited to be going back to Texas for awhile. I mean, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Tennessee, and all of the people I've grown to know here. There are so many things about Nashville/ Brentwood that are so dear to my heart, and the thought about leaving all of this chokes me up all the time...
However, right now is a time to celebrate! As much as I want to be sad, I know the Lord has truly provided for me. I don't have to pay for tuition at all because of the scholarship. I still have connections in Texas, which are extremely helpful. I know for sure I am suppose to be there in August, because of how things are working out. I really don't think I could have asked for a more clear answer from the Lord about going to seminary. I'm excited to learn more about student ministry and what that looks like in my life. I truly am happy, excited, nervous, overwhelmed by everything right now... but I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
When I told my small group of 10th grade girls on Wednesday night about this, they circled around me, laid hands on me, and prayed for me. I was so worried about their reactions to everything, but they were just so sweet and loving to me... exactly what I needed. Seriously, the Lord has blessed me beyond measure and has made things happen that I never could have imagined. These verses speak right to where I am... To Him be the glory!

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Unwritten

2010-01-13T22:57:00.002-06:00

I had an epiphany as I was driving back to Tennessee a few weeks ago. For the longest time I had been feeling unhappy, unmotivated, and just as though there was no purpose for why I was doing a few things in life. I started looking toward the future, and I just wanted to get to something new... something different. Get to a new place in life, because I thought that some place new would provide the changes and purpose I was needing...
Being in Texas for about a week over Christmas truly helped me more than anyone could ever know. It was a different place... I didn't feel as though I had to live up to something... I could just be. I took time to think through why I was doing what I was doing with my life... found my passion and love for what I was doing... found the desire to keep at what I was doing, because I know this is where the Lord has called me.
Leaving was the hardest thing... As I was sobbing down the interstate, "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield came on. I love this song, but for some reason the words truly hit me at this moment...

"I am unwritten, Can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning/ The pen's in my hand / Ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you/ Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words /That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance /So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin/ No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in/ No one else, no one else/ Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken/ Live your life with arms wide open/
Today is where your book begins/ The rest is still unwritten
I break tradition/ Sometimes my tries/ Are outside the lines, oh yeah yeah
We've been conditioned/ To not make mistakes/ But I can't live that way oh, oh"

This song talks about the importance of living our lives... of getting out there and feeling things... because "no one else can feel it for you!"... I've been given such incredible opportunities... opportunities to do the things I love, the things I'm passionate about. Why am I not making the most of every opportunity and truly living to the best of my ability? If the Lord has placed me somewhere, which He has, then I am here for a reason. No one else has the opportunitiy I have right now. No one. God has called me here... and yes, although I know some time soon, I could be called somewhere different, somewhere new... the Lord's timing will be right. If I'm not suppose to be there now, then why am I waiting to get there to live my life? I've been given such incredible opportunities, and I need to live them out to the fullest!

That's where I'm at now... There's so much going on... There will be more to come on this blog. I need to start writing more on here. It feels good to write it all out. Thanks for reading.

Blessings. Football. Fall.

2009-08-29T17:21:00.002-05:00

God has blessed me this week with reminders of His love and faithfulness. Monday night I got to talk to one of my best friends from Texas. She has moved to the very small town of Edna, Texas to be a middle school Spanish teacher... I can't imagine what it's like for her to be in a small town, with no one her age, trying to find a new church and such... I told her that she is so much stronger than me, and I truly meant that. It was great just to talk with her about life and to laugh lots... We laugh tremendous amounts when we hang out... haha! Anyway, although she is a really long way away, she is a huge blessing in my life, and I'm so glad we got to talk!

Tuesday, I was blessed by going to lunch with some people from the church we worked with in Chicago. Hearing their stories of how God is providing and of how things are working out just as they have prayed for them to is such an encouragement and such an awesome example of God's power. So many things they have needed have been provided by God and by their faithfulness to knowing that God never leaves or forsakes any of us... It was just a blessing to hear their stories of what is happening in Chicago.... and I may or may not have seen one of my favorite Christian artists eating lunch with his daughter right behind me. He sang "shoo fly don't bother me" to her, and I about passed out... So excited! My life is now complete... Anyway, on to more acutal spiritual things...

Thursday night I went to a girls' Bible study for the new Sunday school class I'm in... It was such a blessing to hear about where everyone is in life, and to hear how many of us are just in this weird place where we aren't really where we thought we would be... haha. Seriously though, they all have been through things I'm dealing with now, and it's such an encouragement to hear them talk about life and to see what God is doing in each of their lives. I'm excited to be involved in this Bible study the next coming Thursdays... I think God definitely put this group in my life on purpose.

Another blessing is the fact that COLLEGE FOOTBALL KICKOFF is next week!! I'm so excited! Seriously, I love college football, the BIG 12 that is, very, very much, and I can't wait to watch all the games. Hook 'em HORNS! And Tuesday is when the PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES come back! Hold me back... I just can't wait. Yay Fall. Yay Friends. Yay (the) Faithfulness of God.

"Wait and See"

2009-08-24T20:05:00.003-05:00

So I've decided that since I have some extra time on my hands, I should start a blog. I used to love writing on my xanga when I was in high school, but that no longer exists... haha. Anyway, I think this will be a good way for me to think/ write about some things, so I can try to figure a few things out about life after college.

I'm in this weird place now, between college and post-college life... I mean, I'm in the post-college life section now, but it still doesn't really seem like it. Everything keeps changing and transitioning all around me. I'm not good at all with transitions. I know that we need transitions in our lives to be healthy, but do they all have to happen at the same time?! I feel like nothing is staying the same... relationships are changing, work is changing and not exactly steady, life in general just keeps taking different turns... It's exciting sometimes, but lately, I haven't been excited about any of these transitions....

However, I have been reminded of Hebrews 13:8 these past few days. "Jesus is the SAME yesterday, today, and forever." Although everything in my life seems to be transitioning, moving on, changing, Jesus doesn't change. He is faithful to be constant and the same all the time. He doesn't change when my career changes... He doesn't change when everyone goes back to school, except for me... He is faithful and constant.... always the same, never changing.

The title of my blog is from a song by Brandon Heath. It talks about the fact that there are things happening in life sometimes that we don't understand... but as Christians, we have a hope in knowing that God is up to something awesome... we just have to "wait and see."

Just a part of this song... download it... It's awesome.

"Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something
So now’s my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight
There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet"

Thanks for reading...